As a teenager coming into my own, I started out thinking I’d become either an accountant or a minister. Two very different callings, sure, but I was also the poster child for undiagnosed ADHD, so zigzagging felt natural.

In high school, the career aptitude test said astronaut. For reasons I won’t fully unpack here, most of the guys who “qualified” eventually ended up in prison. I managed to stay out. Not all of my friends did.

Junior college counselors floated lawyer. I passed on this career path. Every attorney I knew seemed to hate the job and warned me about selling my soul. Accounting was my first declared major. It was structured, respectable, stable. It was also stressful, booze-fueled, and fundamentally incompatible with college life’s version of sex, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll. Business school? Too many pricks. Next.

Somewhere in the middle of it all, I found my people, the hippies, the Marxists, and the Goth kids (this was before Goth was cool) tucked away in the Sociology and Psychology departments. I majored in Sociology and minored in Psychology, which felt about right for someone trying to decode the world and himself at the same time.

At one party fueled by alcohol and whatever existential magic we thought we’d discovered, I went through about five minutes of intense soul-searching and came out the other side ordained as a minister. The ceremony was officiated by an ex-Jew-turned-atheist everyone affectionately called Uncle Buddy. Buddy had us kneel, pulled an ornamental sword off the hearth, and officially ordained us as lifelong ministers of the Universal Life Church. He asked me if I also wanted to become a living Saint. I was so overwhelmed that becoming a legally ordained minister was good enough for me.

Wrap that all around your noodle.

Uncle Buddy has since left this world, but not before performing his great service to humanity: legally ordaining as many wandering, confused, half-philosophical souls as he could find and sending us off on our respective paths to righteousness.

After college, I declared bankruptcy thanks to a stack of predatory student credit cards. Lesson learned: adulting is brutal, and compound interest works both ways, always to the house’s benefit.

I spent my career in public service being a Children’s Counselor, Family Counselor, Social Worker, and a Probation Officer. Low pay, lousy hours, occasional danger, and not much respect. But there was just enough flexibility to keep trading on the side. It scratched my math itch.

Through it all, I’ve been obsessed with markets. I’ve never liked handing my money to strangers, so I’ve managed my own for more than 35 years, from OptionsXpress to Thinkorswim to IB Trader Workstation and a few others just for sport.

I retired early in 2022. Now, I spend my time traveling the world, trading maybe 2 hours a week, and enjoying the freedom of my own schedule. Living on a public servant’s wage wasn’t easy, but like Carl Spackler, I figure I’ve got everlasting life going for me in the afterlife, so I’m playing with house money and taking it easy. Thank you, Uncle Buddy.

I make friends easily, but keep my inner circle small. If you want to really know me, you’ll have to earn your way in.

Yours Truly,

The Reverend Joseph Cox